Father’s Day is coming up, so in the spirit of honoring the male role models in our lives, I’d like to share a special note with all the dads and other men (and women) out there about how to raise your daughters to be a successful, confident and happy future executive.

Over the years, I’ve spoken in front of myriad professional women’s groups, and coached women at every level and in every industry imaginable, and one factor regularly surfaces as having a major influence on their current levels of confidence and self-efficacy: their relationship with their fathers.

I often get asked how I’ve developed my confidence and sense of self, and more and more I realize how much of the credit goes to my father (and mother) for setting this foundation in me in all these ways and more.

Disclaimer: I am a linguist, not a psychologist, and this post is not intended to overgeneralize women, fathers, or anyone else. My goal is to raise awareness of some patterns of communication behaviors that can have lasting effects, and offer perspective and tools to help you avoid those pitfalls and promote happiness and success at home, in the workplace and beyond.

The most genuinely confident and effective women I work with typically have stories to tell of how their fathers set high standards because they genuinely believed that their daughters were capable and worthy of success at that level.

Their dads co-celebrated success and lamented failures together, and knew when the appropriate response was a consoling hug or a loving “kick in the pants” to stop the pity party, learn a lesson and do better next time. And they knew that there was a time and a place for each.

Here’s the thing: Your daughter may know intellectually that you love her and that your goal is to want the best for her, to reach what you see as her fullest potential. But the way these intentions are communicated often are interpreted in the exact opposite way: that love and approval are conditional, contingent upon perfection and successful attainment of whatever standard they believe you set.

There are so many little moments in life that can individually go unnoticed, but add up over time. Was she the MVP of her field hockey team or did she get the lead in the play, and if not how did you respond? Did you let her know if you believed these were even worthwhile pursuits in the first place? Did you think she went to the right university, got the right degree, got the right job, is dating or married the right person (and at the right age), and even (ugh!) did she feel like you thought she was pretty enough? These may seem like they shouldn’t be relevant, but dad, trust me, they are. More than you’ll ever know.

How do I know?

Dad (a music teacher) encouraged me to audition for all-state band (I played the alto sax), which I did all four years of high school, even though I only made it once. After each audition, we’d talk about what went right and wrong and how to do better next time.

He pushed me to take honors classes but didn’t flinch when I agreed to take AP history and Spanish but not calculus (thank goodness!)

(I’ll probably get flack for this, but I’m going to mention it anyway.) He also always told me I was pretty, even when my ever-fluctuating adolescent weight was on the top end of the yo-yo curve. To a teenage girl’s self-esteem, it mattered. A lot.

I know he hated the idea of me moving to Japan (twice!), and tried to talk me out of it both times, but ultimately supported the decision – and even came to visit once – because he knew it was something I needed to do.

When I decided to go for my PhD in my late 20s instead of getting a “regular job” he asked probing questions so we could discuss the pros and cons and the best way to make it work. And the discussions and interest continued, guilt-free, even when it took twice as long as expected to graduate.

As I went through romantic relationship after relationship, he never once gave me a guilt trip about my biological clock or his (undeniable) desire for grandchildren even though I was 40 before I finally met my husband. I’m sure that time frame was even harder for him to rationalize given that he and my mother met in high school and have been happily married ever since.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we’d have long conversations full of intimate details and unfiltered emotions. He’s definitely not that kind of dad. But he’d show interest and ask how things were going. He’d offer advice when warranted and offer objective counterpoints when he disagreed, but ultimately he let me know that he recognized my efforts and intentions, trusted my judgment and respected my decision, even when we didn’t see eye to eye.

Most importantly, even when I had genuinely messed up, even though he was really upset with me in the moment, he never belittled me or called me names, and he made it clear that he still loved me.

So to all you dads out there, how can you communicate with your daughters in a way that builds her confidence and empowers her with the skills and perspective to be a successful leader?

• • Talk to your daughter. Don't be afraid to initiate conversations, and ask tough and sometimes personal questions to help her think through things, then be prepared to listen. Listen to truly understand her motivations rather than to identify the holes in her argument and formulate your rebuttal.
  • Challenge her to try new things, and set ambitious but attainable goals. Celebrate victories, acknowledge and praise progress and efforts. Reflect on failures together, and recognize the difference between when to say, “it’s okay, you can’t win ‘em all” and “I don’t think you really gave it your best. What happened?”
  • Invite her to initiate difficult conversations with you, and encourage her to express when she needs help, doesn't understand something, or otherwise disagrees with you, instead of hiding her true feelings.
  • Even when she does make a mistake or otherwise does something you don’t approve of, make it clear that the you think the decision or action was dumb, not that she is stupid. Then – possibly an hour or so later after you’ve cooled off – remind her that you love her and are proud of her no matter what.

If you can fine-tune your objectivity regarding this aspect of your relationship with your daughters now – no matter what their age or family or professional status – that sets a foundation for success that no fancy MBA can match!

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Do you have questions or comments about the issues in today’s post, want to know how to apply them, or how to help others with them? If so, contact me at laura@vocalimpactproductions.com or click here to schedule a 20-minute focus call to discuss them with me personally!

Trump-ing the Language of Leadership

Nowadays everyone seems to be talking about the bilateral race for nomination as the Republican and Democratic candidates for president. Personally, I’m a little tired of the redundancy of the arguments on both sides at this point, but I am intrigued by the language chosen and the delivery styles that are making and breaking campaigns, especially Donald Trump’s.

Love him or hate him (and most people do tend to embrace one extreme opinion or the other,) Donald Trump has stolen the spotlight since announcing his candidacy. Platform stance aside, let’s take a look at some of his communication patterns that made him a force to be reckoned with, and lessons we can learn, if perhaps with a grain (or spoonful?) of salt, about establishing our image and reputation as a leader.

First, Mr. Trump consistently demonstrates unwavering conviction and confidence in his views. Of course, he often takes it to the extreme, and to the best of my knowledge has never once apologized for any comment, even when launching patently personal insults at seemingly everyone who, well, disagrees with him. This is certainly the opposite of another bad habit that many people have, especially women, as I discussed in previous posts, of over-apologizing and diminishing the value of their own contributions and reputation. While he may voluntarily sacrifice diplomacy on a regular basis, what is undeniable is that he believes 100% in the validity, importance and value of his own perspective. And in a world of uncertainty, people find that reassuring.

Second, as part of that confidence, his voice is always clear and declarative in tone. He never falls into the common vocal pitfalls of vocal fry, monotony or up-speak. (And while that is something more commonly associated with young women, men do it just as much, don’t fool yourselves.) There is nothing hesitant or uncertain in the sound of any statement he makes. Granted, all of the candidates have been strong this way; I’m sure many (all?) of them have been explicitly and repeatedly coached on it. When the level of conviction in the voice matches the conviction in the word choice, credibility is reinforced.

Additionally, and this may be an uncommon way to look at it, but to use one of the popular phrases in the current discourse on executive presence, Mr. Trump is always willing to speak truth to power. While you may feel like he is at the top and thus has all the power and nothing to be afraid of, the reality is that he knows the voters have the real power in the end. He is not trying to please everyone by mincing words. He is willing to say what he believes needs to be said even though it may make some people unhappy in the moment, in the hopes of winning others over long-term, for greater ultimate gains. This degree of risk can make others shake in their shoes.

For example, when trying to “manage up” and present information to senior leadership, many people balk at the idea of contradicting the boss in a meeting or presenting financial projections or other news that may not be as positive as they’d like, which runs the risk of being met with angry challenges, public chastisement or worse. But here’s the thing: if you believe that your data is correct, and your job is to present all facts to senior leadership so that they can make informed decisions, then you have to be able to stand strong in these moments, say what you believe to be true, and be willing and able to defend your stance, showing grace under fire. Whether Mr. Trump displays anything that could be categorized as “grace” is perhaps debatable, but you get the point. This ability is widely recognized as a necessary quality in a leader.

Finally, there is absolutely no question that Mr. Trump knows his audience, and follows a key rule of thumb in sales: if his gives them what they want, in return he will get what he wants. This is something most people forget. We go into meetings, presentations and conference calls thinking about how we can make people see things our way, instead of framing things in terms of letting them know that we can (or at least want to) see things from their perspective, and start from that point as common ground.

In fact, outside of those who may genuinely understand and agree with his actual policies, I would argue that he has two primary audiences, and luckily for him he can kill both birds with one verbal stone, giving both exactly what they want while still following his own strategic interests:

The first target audience is the media themselves. He knows what they want: for viewers to tune in and not change the channel or bounce off the page, so he hands them full buckets of drama to chum the waters on a daily basis. Let’s face it, whether or not you think he is a good candidate for president, there is no question that the man makes for great television. For all his money, he hasn’t had to purchase any advertisements because the media voluntarily give him all the airtime he could ever want, for free. And he knows that in this race, airtime is the equivalent of gold bullion.

The other target audience is voters who are disenfranchised with politics-as-usual and, driven at least in part by emotions, are looking for someone to blame. Mr. Trump very smartly knows that people often make big decisions based on emotions, either in conjunction with or in lieu of other empirical data. So he frequently and explicitly identifies new villains, ranging from his individual opponents, to entire nations such as Mexico and China, to the media themselves, for some inherent evil that has befallen the US. His approach gives his target audience a uniquely combined feeling of validation, absolution and/or moral superiority through victimization. He ensures them that they are right.

To accomplish this, he incorporates emotionally charged, subjective language such as, “it was a disaster,” “he was horrible,” “they were unfair,” and “it’s an embarrassment.” Whether or not there is validity to his claims is immaterial here. He masterfully leads people to believe that he is the only person who understands the root cause of their problems, knows who is to blame, and will see that justice is served. It makes the audience feel better about themselves and their future, and who doesn’t like and want to support someone who can make them feel like that?

Ultimately, Mr. Trump has mastered the art of communicating with his target audience in a way that is both authentic to who he is, and simultaneously resonates with them in a way that opens them up to his message and makes them eager to hear more. Whether you are heading a billion-dollar enterprise, leading a team of a dozen, or doing routine inspections or sales calls, these are lessons to learn which, if applied tactfully, are virtually guaranteed to help us all enhance our leadership image in a most positive way.

And for that, Mr. Trump, we thank you… whether or not we vote for you.

Mules, Tourists and Converts:
Know Your Audience!

11/11/2015
Two years ago, I found myself in very uncommon and uncomfortable territory: facing an audience who, unbeknownst to me, had little interest in my topic, and even less interest in active participation. Considering the fact that this wasn't just an hour-long seminar, but a full-day event, we were not off to an auspicious start!

It was my first foray into the world of continuing legal/professional education (CLE/CPE) credit classes for lawyers and accountants**. I had met someone whose company provided the platform to offer and advertise these classes and just needed content providers, so I thought I'd try my material out on this specific demographic. People in these fields are required to log a certain number of credits per year, so I offered my class in December, figuring it would be a good time to catch the procrastinators who needed the credits by year-end deadline; in other words, it seemed like a guaranteed market. But somehow in my research, I missed one key detail: For people to get their credit, the only requirement is that they show up. They don't even need to be conscious while there... and some people arrived with the full intention to take very literal advantage of that loophole.
Some walked in with magazines, novels, catalogs and other paperwork, or laptops, and never once looked up in six hours. Never even acknowledged my existence. Internally, I was stunned that this was considered acceptable, and even the norm. But once this intention and pattern became apparent — which didn't take very long — I had a choice to make.

I could let the energy of the room dictate my energy level and just plod through my material, figuring people weren't listening anyway, or I could “do my thing” the way I always do, and not let my passion for my content be drowned out by the apparent ambivalence of the crowd. In some ways, my emotional intelligence went in a very counter-intuitive direction: I decided to pretend I didn't notice their aura, and continue plowing ahead, undeterred. And little by little I noticed that three distinct groups emerged, who I lovingly refer to as the “Mules,” “Tourists” and “Converts.”

The “Mules” came in with one objective and wouldn't budge no matter what. Now, I can certainly understand having too many past experiences of boring CLE/CPE presenters so that by now they expected to be disappointed, but they weren't even open to being pleasantly surprised. The message they sent was, “I'm not going to like this, I don't want to like this, you can't make me like this, even if I realize there's something that might be interesting or useful, I won't let either of us think I like this. To acknowledge that I like this is to admit that you're right and I'm wrong and that's just not going to happen.” These are the people in your teams who can (and frequently do) suck the life out of a meeting and kill positive energy.

The “Tourists” came in with the intention of being Mules, armed with a day's worth of materials to entertain themselves while waiting for the clock to show that it was time to leave. But they'd catch a graphic on my screen with one eye, or hear an interesting statistic or funny comment I'd made, and paid more and more attention to the training, almost in spite of themselves. Some of them even engaged in the pairwork and breakout activities. I call them “tourists” because it was as if they had been coerced into buying a ticket for the bus tour, but found themselves actually enjoying the view, to their own surprise. They'd look out the window, listen to the tour guide's stories, and maybe even snap a few pictures, but they weren't about to get off the bus and explore at the different stops along the way. These are the people who go through the motions, do their job, but follow the letter rather than the spirit of the law. They lack a sense of ownership in the bigger picture and their contribution to it.

Last but not least, there were the “Converts.” These people may also have come in braced for a typical boring presentation, and armed with alternative entertainment, but realized to their pleasant surprise that their concerns were unwarranted. They decided my information and presentation style was actually interesting and useful, and that active participation would make the total experience that much more valuable all around. They asked questions, volunteered to do demonstrations and actively participated in all exercises. These are your leaders. They are proactive, optimistic, open to new ideas, willing to try different things, and take ownership for their own experience and others'.

I chose to behave as if everyone was a Convert, or had the potential to be one, and I ignored those who were committed to being a Mule; I refused to let the tail wag the dog. In the end, it worked out really well, and the ones who got on board with me made it a really great experience for everyone.

At the end, one guy came up to me with his 6-inch-thick stack of reading material, and said, “I just wanted to show you this: I came prepared to get all sorts of work done while I was sitting here, and the whole day I never touched it! I think this was the best CLE I ever attended.”

Of course, my role as presenter in that context is different than that of someone leading a team, where you probably can't fully ignore the Mules. But you can recognize who falls into each group and find ways to address whatever issues and challenges stand in the way of anyone's “full conversion.”

Had I known about this dynamic in advance, I probably would have run the event differently. On the other hand, as the expression goes, the best person for the job is often the person who doesn't know what can't be done, as this day proved to be true. But overall, knowing who your audience is and what their motivators are before you show up is a huge advantage to being an effective communicator and mastering the 3Cs of Vocal Executive Presence: Command the room, Connect with the audience, and Close the deal.

So I ask you: who is in your audience?

**Note: Since then, I have done many other programs for professionals in the legal and financial fields and have had a blast with everyone there. But I understand the unique nature of that particular CLE/CPE context, and now I know it's simply not my target market — another incredibly valuable piece of audience information everyone needs to know!

Podcast on Your Authentic Voice in Business

Hi everyone!

I’m excited to be the featured guest on J V Crum III’s Conscious Millionaire Podcast today. It’s a top-rated podcast with coaching and strategies on how to make big profits and a big difference as a conscious entrepreneur! But even if you're not officially an “entrepreneur” per se, JV and I have a great time discussing the importance of communication as a part of leadership, and how to do it in a way that is authentic to who you are, while still effectively reaching the ears, mind and heart of your audience.

JV and I had such a great response about six months ago when I first was on his show, he asked me back and that's what's coming out today. I’m honored to be included among guests such as Chris Brogan, Michelle Patterson, Adam Urbanski, Dame D C Cordova, Greg Reid, and Dov Baron. If you want to make a difference in your job, no matter what it is, scroll through all the topics in Conscious Millionaire; I guarantee you'll find information that is crucial to your success and happiness.

Click here to listen now:

Read all the Show Notes

Enjoy the podcast, and feel free to drop me a line with your comments. I welcome your feedback!

Here's to your success,
Laura

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